Sitting here on the couch as my little one, now two falls into a slumber on my chest.
It makes me think of the first year of motherhood and the adjustment to what the reality of caring for a little one actually looks and feels like.
I remember the days where I just needed some space. To not have a baby on my chest all the time. Though I loved it and adored the cuddles I did also need some separation to learn to reconnect with my new mother self.
Time does flow so quickly when you have little ones. I blinked and he’s now two.
A curious little creature. Adventurous , playful, cheeky, determined.
Before I knew it the naps on me became naps on the sofa as I slipped away to have a cup of tea and drink it hot. Uninterrupted.
Today has been quite a cuddly day for my little one as he ventures off further and further.
Getting comfortable with more separation and building his confidence up.
I’ve noticed how he has started to retreat into my loving arms. If something has unnerved him or he gets up set, into my arms he runs.
It made me see that I am his home. I am his safety.
I step back and allow him to explore himself and his limits. Ready to step in at any minute to make sure he’s safe and supported.
The first year now feels like such a blur, but I know I struggled.
And although I struggled at times, I did it.
I got through the grueling repetitiveness of sleepless nights and broken sleep.
I got through the anxiety of constant worry and checking on his slumbering sleep to make sure he was still breathing.
I slowly but surely learnt to listen to my intuition as a mother. Something we all have to remember. To trust ourselves and what feels right for us and our children.
There was a time at the beginning where I thought fuck. This is it. I’m never going to sleep or get space again.
At times it felt monotonous and repetitive.
It’s true what they say, it goes by with the blink of an eye.
It’s just a phase.
This moment shall pass.
After learning how I want to handle big emotions of my little one as he finds his independence I am now at a space where I feel I have a handle on things.
I don’t let the big emotions rock my world as much or take them on as my own. Something I quickly had to learn as it really dragged me down.
I have learnt to be a space holder and hold assertiveness when I need to, to ensure boundaries.
I do love being a mother.
To know that I am home to this little soul is an indescribable feeling.
If i’m honest, i didn’t know if i would get there but i have and it feels utterly delicious.
It’s a love I’ve never felt.
And now, as the space has come in and I am dropping deeper into myself as a woman, a mother, a partner the broodiness has kicked in.
Thank you summer and thank you little one for showing me that I could do this again.