The first time I said yes to myself

My journey with personal development and transformation started after a break up with an ex-boyfriend in my last year of university.

It was a relationship full of adventure, being bold, colourful, creative and being (now I realise looking) “cool”.

But…

At the root of the relationship I realised that this wasn’t me. It was him. I had attached myself to him so much that I became co-dependent and was mixing up my sense of self with his.

After realising this I decided to break away from the relationship and get my independence back. It was the first time I was listening to my intuition and saying YES to myself. But in doing so it was sludgy. It was a messy break up and I, now being alone found myself completely lost, and having the big realisation that I didn’t know who the hell I was.

I found myself in a really dark space and curled up in a ball of depression for a good few months. I have never experienced depression before and when I look back at that relationship and the few months afterwards all I can see is black sludge.  I realise that I had taken away my safety blanket of having someone there with me all the time, someone for me to look after as a way of putting off looking after myself.

After hiding away in my room I slowly started to talk to people and I was advised to start treating myself. To take myself for a massage as a form of self-love and appreciation for myself.

This was completely foreign to me, I had never actively or consciously gone out to treat myself in this way before. So as I was walking down the street one day I found a little building with a beautiful purple peacock on the front. Hannah’s Place it was called.

I had walked passed this purple peacock a fair few times but never had the courage to go in and see what there was to offer. But this time I had been introduced to this new idea of treating myself.

When I got home I did a bit of digging around online and got in touch with the owner Hannah, a beautiful woman who has now become someone I will forever be so grateful for.

I booked myself in for a massage and Reiki, a form of energy healing.

I have always been curious about energy healing, mysticism, eastern philosophy, ceremony, and other forms of holistic healing. This session with Hannah was the start of coming back home to myself. The beginning of a journey in reclaiming and redefining parts of myself, to feel safe and whole with a big dollop of self-love. I needed to find these for myself rather than searching for them in relationships with other people.

The session with Hannah wasn’t just a massage and Reiki, it was a safe space for me to talk with someone who held space for me, we set intentions and Hannah with her gorgeous fire energy motivated, inspired me and planted a seed for the direction that I have been going in ever since. The Reiki healing I experienced brought up floods of tears for me, of happiness and sadness.

I felt sad because I was so far away from who I felt on the inside, I felt I had lost myself and not looked after myself. I wasn’t living integrity. But I was also so incredibly happy to have space held for me, to allow myself to be treated to something that felt aligned for me at that time. It was a beautiful healing reminder that I could look after myself and put myself in a space of healing.

This experience of saying yes to myself and treating myself set the tone for my journey of transformation and self-exploration. Since then I have been exploring learned behaviours, conditioned beliefs, trauma stories and trigger points to transform to help me live internally and externally in my integrity.

My method of self-exploration is through creative expression. I journal everyday asking myself questions about situations, writing letters to my past and future self as well as practicing gratitude and setting intentions for myself each day. I also found a love for making and using mandalas as a form of self-reflection time for me to ponder and think.

Art has become a form of personal development and self-exploration

Art, I have realised is a tool for transformation

Art and creative expression is a catalyst for personal growth and change

Art helps you express how you feel without words

 

 

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